So ... how self-aware are you?

It's a skill I've been trying to build every year for many years as a leader, husband and friend. Here's why.

I realized a while ago that self-awareness is a characteristic I'm drawn to in people I work with and do life with.

In fact, I try to get as many self-aware people as possible on board any team I'm building, and I personally prefer the company of self-aware people to that of those who aren't.

Before that sounds too discriminatory, the good news is that self-awareness is a skill and it can be learned.

If you want to grow your self-awareness, you can. If you want to develop your team's self-awareness, you can.

You just need to know what to look for.

Self-Awareness Is a Key to Emotional Intelligence

About 20 years ago, Daniel Goleman rocked the leadership world with a new theory: Emotional intelligence is as—or more important to—success than intellectual intelligence is.

His theory on emotional intelligence is now commonly now called EQ (although Goleman prefers the term EI), and many organizations are hiring for EQ as much as they are for IQ or other more traditional hard-skill sets.

Goleman identified five main components for emotional intelligence, chief of which is self-awareness (you can read about the other four here).

If you want to dramatically improve the climate in your church or organization, hire and recruit self-aware, emotionally intelligent people.

For example, if you had a choice to invite a self-aware leader who had a B+ gift set on to your team, and a leader with an A gift set on to your team who wasn't self-aware, whom would you choose?

For me, it's not much of a contest. I'll take the self-aware leader. They tend to make a bigger impact in their leadership, and they are MUCH easier to work with.

So what do self-aware people know that other leaders don't?

In my experience, there are four things. The four things are simple when you think about it, but it's surprising how many people and leaders lead day to day strangely unaware of them:

1. Their impact on others. Of all the characteristics of self-aware people, this is the most endearing.

Self-aware people understand their own emotions and actions AND the impact of their emotions and actions on others. That sounds simple, but the implications are staggering.

Think about it. How many times have you had a bad day only to not know why you're having a bad day? And then, how many times has your mysteriously bad day had a negative impact on your spouse, your kids and your co-workers? Far too often, right?

Me too. That's what self-awareness and emotional intelligence starts to address in leaders. It stops that.

Self-aware leaders refuse to let a bad day on the inside spill out to others on the outside. Self-aware people just don't have many of those days.

Sure ... they might not feel great. But they realize their mood has an impact on others, so they regulate it. Who doesn't want to be around people like that?

If you struggle with your mood (and who doesn't?), here are a few ways to handle it:

• Be the first to recognize it.
• Pray about it.
• Regulate it.
• Be more interested in other people that day than you are in yourself. (This really helps.)

If you want to become more emotionally intelligent, be aware of the impact of your emotions on others.

2. Their weaknesses. Nobody likes to admit they have weaknesses, but we all do.

The longer I lead, the more I realize how small my sweet spot really is (for me it's content creation, communication, vision-casting and team recruitment ... it's all downhill from those four).

Self-aware people understand their weaknesses and limit their activities in areas for which they are not gifted. This does two things:

• It creates space for others to shine.
• It allows them to spend most of their time working from their strengths.

It takes real humility for a leader to admit where they are not strong, but that characteristic is often endearing. If you want to become more self-aware, understand your weaknesses and start acting accordingly. Your team will be so much better for it.

3. Their strengths. While it may take humility to acknowledge your weaknesses, it doesn't take arrogance to acknowledge your strengths.

Someone who understands their strengths is not inherently egotistical; they're just self-aware. Arrogant people can just as easily work out of their weaknesses as their strengths.

So ... don't be afraid of understanding and leading from your strengths.

Self-aware people know what they're best at, but they don't brag. They just do it.

4. Their limits. Everyone has limits. As much as some of us push back on them, they're still there.

Self-aware people know what level their tank is at and behave accordingly.

When they need a break, they take one. When they're tired, they acknowledge it and take responsibility for getting some rest. When they are running on all cylinders, they give whatever they've got to whatever they do.

Again, everyone benefits: co-workers, their team and even their family.

Ironically, a leader who knows where their limits are often operates much closer to their limit than does a leader who has no idea that they're tired, over capacity or heading for a crash.

Want to know how to refuel?

Don't miss my leadership podcast episode on burnout with Perry Noble (Perry burnt out and came back), and here's an article on how to bring your best to the table every day.

Worried about your limits? Here's a post that outlines nine signs you're burning out.

What Do You Think?

So what have you learned in working with self-aware people ... or with leaders who are not self-aware? What's helped you grow as a leader?

In addition to serving as Lead Pastor at Connexus Community Church north of Toronto, Canada, Carey Nieuwhof speaks at conferences and churches throughout North America on leadership, family, parenting and personal renewal.

For the original article, visit churchleaders.com.

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